things that give me the heebie-jeebies.

1. amphibians (especially frogs and toads)
2. empty factories at night.
3. squirrels (it's the eyes! demon eyes!)
4. absolutely all scary movies
5. really advanced technology


my grandparents flew in from russia last night, and today i have a snow day, so i've been getting to spend lots of time with them. i love them so much they're adorable and hilarious and my grandma's an amazing cook.


anyways....today my mom was telling them about how the two of us have gay-dars and can easily pick gay men when we see them on the street because they're so well-groomed and fashionable and always smell nice, etc., and my grandma says "well your husband's totally gay then." and my mom says "yeah, you're right. he spends more time getting ready than i do and he wears shirts with pink polka-dots to work! he's lucky he has me, otherwise men would be trying to get some of that all over the place!"


gotta love family.


here's a picture of my friend mira and me when we took a trip to london our freshman year for spring break. i love how her hair looks in this. i think this picture really captured the windyness of the moment. we're standing at the top of a church (i should know the name of it).

we don't have to take our clothes off to have a good time...

that song is stuck in my head at the moment, this post isn't about anything of the sort, really.

i wish my life was more dramatic, like the movies. i'd rather be really hurt than just bored. is that fucked up? i know there are people who have shitty lives and that i don't reaaally want to be in their place, but i just really want something to freaking happen. EF.

bremenskie muzikanti.

i don't write on here as much as i would like to. this is mostly because i spend the majority of my free time sleeping and watching scrubs.

so, i ended up pretty much acing all of my exams, though i hardly studied, and finished the semester with straight A's and a C+ in AP stat (which i couldn't care less about, considering i'm a second semester senior and a C is totally fine). i feel great. i didn't realize how depressed i had been before. i was depressed before getting into college because everything i did seriously mattered and was done for the sole purpose of getting into college. i assumed if i got into college everything would magically change, and the day that i got in i was ecstatic and everything was perfect. but the next day i realized nothing had really changed, and got depressed again because the one thing i faithfully believed would change everything hadn't changed anything.

one random fact about me that i don't think i've told anyone before: when i come across a word i don't know in a book i read it backwards just to check if it maybe means something reversed. isn't that weird?

alrighty, so, while my friends were watching the little mermaid and aladdin, i was watching bremenskie muzikanti (musicians of bremensk). this animated film was (and still is) my absolute favorite children's movie. the story is pretty much about this bohemian troupe of musicians (one guy, a donkey, a rooster, a cat, and a dog), the lead singer of which (the guy) falls in love with a princess. and even though the princess really likes him, too, the king is totally against it and so the musicians try to pull off all of these tricks to try and kidnap the princess aainst the king's will. this video is one of the songs the band sings, which is about how just hanging around and singing and roaming the world with your friends is the best thing there is, and how they don't need fancy castles, and all they want is to bring happiness and laughter to everyone. it's fantastic, seriously. this song makes me incredibly happy every time i hear it. though this version isn't translated, i feel like you can still see how great it is.





& here's another song fromt he film. it's one of the times the band comes up with a plan to get the princess...they basically dress up as criminals and tie the king to a tree, and leave him there, and then the main guy fromt he abnd changes back into his normal clothes and saves the king. this was meant to get the king to finally like the guy because he'd think he was a hero or whatnot. if you read this thing, WATCH THIS VIDEO.






toodles!

baking, books, and resistentialsm.

last night i finished the great pretender, and realized that despite the great writing style, the book was entirely pointless. granted, i loved it, but it definitely had nothing of true substance. the honesty was what got me. that's something i really love in literature. not just honesty, but honesty that is almost painful. i hope i write a really honest book some day.

so, now that exams are over, i've done two things i can't do when i'm stressed: buying books and baking. i made a blackberry lemon upside-down cake today, and am ordering the following books right now:

tropic of cancer & sexus by henry miller
a coney island of the mind by lawrence ferlinghetti
lady chatterley's lover by d.h. lawrence
naked lunch by william s. burroughs

i'm pretty excited to finally be able to have time to read and bake, now that i'm officially a second-semester senior.


today's weird/funny words:

1. halch- to hug or embrace ("i'm gonna halch you!" sounds like a threat)
2. drazel- slut (who knew?)
3. snollygoster- a dishonest politician (aren't they all?)
4. kilkenny cats- people who fight relentlessly to the bitter end
5. resistentialism- the theory that inanimate objects demonstrate hostile behavior towards people (what the hell? who came up with this? though i must admit, at times i've thought my alarm clock was out to get me.)
6. torschlusspanik- sense of panic brought on by the feeling that life is passing one by (the german equivalent of a mid-life crisis)

today i watched p.s. i love you and it somehow made me relax about finding the right person. i hate when i complain about things like not being able to find someone. i know i'm only seventeen and i have my whole life ahead of me...but it's hard to help wanting something that seems so wonderful. i also hate that i hate myself for thinking i'm too young to be thinking those things, because i don't think you can be too young to fall in love.
the weird thing right now is that i don't really have feelings for people anymore. i used to love my friends and i'd love random boys and i felt great about both, and then when those friendships or boys were gone, i'd be sad but i would get over it. i felt more alive then than i do now. i want to feel somethign but i feel like the more aware i become of my surroundings and the people i know, the less alive i feel. that's strange, isn't it?

why am i so...blank?

procrastinating, (not) jesus & art.

procrastination comes from the latin word "cras," which means tomorrow. "pro" means for. so basically, to procrastinate means to make (ate = to make) for tomorrow. needless to say, i think i got an A on my latin exam. french was easy, too. and though i love easy exams, i hate them all the same, because they allow me to get away with not studying. but AP stat should put me in my place tomorrow. fuck stat.

i want to find someone who can replace the jesus in what would jesus do? any ideas? speaking of which, ben lee has a song called "what would jay-z do?" check it out, it's pretty decent. but honesty, i can't think of a good filler for jesus. i don't want something cheesy, either, like, abe lincoln or something. i need a role model that i will actually be able to follow. i'm not super-heroic... nor am i a genius (so einstein's out), i just need someone realistic to look up to. preferably someone fun.


right now i'm listening to "love reign o'er me" by the who and it makes me feel a lot of things i can't put into words, which i really like like, because i'm always trying to put everything into words, and sometimes non-verbal stuff can be better than verbal.


okay, so totally random, but i just found one of my old journals, and there was a list of boys' names that i really liked in it:

ashton, andreas, edward, eli, finley, hunter, james, lawrence, seth, theo, tristan, zander (why, sophi, why?)

i'm not sure why i wanted to post that.

oh! i found the cutest thing today (while procrastinating):
kissing crust. it's where the two loaves of bread touch while they're baking in the oven. isn't that sweet?

i've actually been looking up random words...for no real reason other than the fact that i just really like words.

here are a few sentences with the words i like (you can look them up yourself):

1. ex. of a zeugma: i followed my heart and his car to los angeles.
2. he was a big fan of paronomasia because it was a way for him to be clever and a pervert all at once. (i accidentally created a zeugma in this sentence as well! haha, isn't that special?)
3. i am an entirely twitterpated teenage girl, and simply can't think of anyone but edward cullen. (not entirely true, since i've been too busy to be twitterpapted, but it works.)
4. if i want to major in oikology i'll probably have to go to a women's college. (don't kill me.)
5. she irped at my pathetic attempts at a good sentence.
6. digerati is just a euphemism for computer geeks.
7. if i were to become a gork i would prefer to be taken off of life support.
8. because the annoying blonde fizgig wouldn't get her hands off of my boyfriend, i stuck a fizgig in her hair and watched it burst into flames. (oh how i love words with two meanings!)

moving on...i decided instead of just posting photos, i'll post some drawings today. i don't know why. i guess i just want to do something different. actually it might be because hannah posted them on her blog and i wanted to do it too. bah, shoot me.

i like nutmeg and i'm going to fail exams.

there's just something about nutmeg, i can't quite explain it...

i have barely studied. and by barely i mean i've probably actually studied for 4 hours total these past 3 days. my plan was to study for about 8 hours a day. this is my last day to study and i'm freaking writing in this blog. i'm a procrastinator, yes, but every year i've been able to get my shit together and study for exams. i've been a good crammer. but now, since i've already been accepted to college, i have absolutely no motivation to do anything. i've spent the last three days watching heroes. that's a total of like, 45 episodes. why am i so lazy? i hate myself for it, too. tomorrow i have my french exam followed by my latin exam, so today have to do double studying. and the next day i have bioethics and AP stat. and on top of all of that i have to write a couple papers for english. thankfully i just figured out what i'm going to write them on (which is usually the hardest part), so now all i have to do is get shit done. have i ever said shit on here before? because counting that, i've already said it three times in this post. i'm turning into a vulgar asshole ;)
i hate cursing but i do it a lot and i don't know why. maybe because it makes me feel like a jerk even though i'm not really a jerk. i guess that would make sense. it would throw people off, right? maybe i think cursing is funny? i don't know. it's weird. i should stop.

i'm going to study! seriously, i am! i have to memorize latin cases and french negations and si clauses. woohoo, i'm ecstatic. i hate grammar, man. seriously, hate it. these exams should be easy, if i could only bring myself to study. i am impossibly lazy. this needs to end. once exams are over maybe i'll have a "fresh start." actually, that'll probably be impossible, considering second semester of senior year is definitely the time to slack off for everyone...and since i'm one of the worst procrastinators ever, i'll probably be slacking the most out of everyone else.

so what i'm going to write one of my english papers (the term paper) on is being a stranger in new york city, since the course is "strangers in strange lands." it'll be about my experience at the NYU photography program and i'm calling it "I Am Not a Photographer: A Journal," and it will be exactly what it's called. i'm gonna put little pictures from contact sheets i made on there. it'll be like a little scarpbook.

okay i seriously need to go study some declensions and shit (4!).

my head is empty.

i am so tired.
i'm also kinda in love with one of the school counselors, mr. samson. this une petite probleme.
i am really tired. and i mean really, really tired. my brain and my body feel dead. but i don't want to sleep.
i'm not going to write anything...i'm too exhausted to think of something clever to say.

so here's a poem i wrote last year. it was the first piece of writing that i was really happy to have written. like a new direction for me, i guess.

rust like raspberries

he’d ride his heavy truck
through the damp grass
to where i stood with tangled hair and tired eyes.
he’d reach a sunburnt arm to roll down the window,
and his eyes would sparkle with a vaguely wicked grin,
and he’d just sit there, all sideways,
and look at me for a while.
his lips would part and he’d let out a heavy sigh.

so raspy yet so smooth, he’d talk me into his soul,
and i would give in, as i always did, and climb into his rusty truck.
he knew i didn’t smoke, but he’d still hand me a lighter,
and i’d lay it on my palm and stare as if it stood for something.
i knew he didn’t like to say much,
but i’d always wait for him to spill.
he never did, but i’d sit tight and hope
that my silence would pry him open.
i’d become anxious in my attempt at composure,
and so i’d ask about his wildest dreams.
“baby, i don’t dream,” he’d say,
and i’d turn to the window and bite into my lip.

he’d slow the truck down and put his arm on my shoulder
and chills would run down my body
and i’d feel so hot and cold all at once,
and i’d be so scared to look into his face; scared of the deep brown eyes,
the corners of his mouth, the scar at the top of his left cheek,
so i’d keep my eyes on corn fields bruised with dusk and bent with the breeze.

he’d brake smoothly to a halt and walk around the car in slow strides.
whenever he opened my door, he’d always pause for a moment
and take me in with a deep stare without a word, and i’d grow tense
and bury my hands in my hair and stare down at my knees.
he’d chuckle and reach those sunburned arms out to let me down,
and we’d catch fireflies before finally falling to the ground.

i’d awake in my bed
with wet cheeks
and pollen in my hair
and i’d make chamomile tea
without ever lifting my eyes
and i’d wait
for never.