beauty is a strange thing. though everyone has a different “type,” i think separate beauty ideals exist in different regions of the world. i know for a fact that i am considered more beautiful in russia than i am in the united states- i don’t fit the cheerleader image.
what i’ve noticed is that i can pick out russian people in a crowd because of their eyes. their eyes seem deeper and somehow colder. i have these eyes. my face doesn’t hold the friendliness of freckles, a warm gaze, or soft olive skin. i’m not “america’s type.”
as soon as i land on european soil i feel fresh and uninhibited. the language barrier may frighten me to an extent, but i feel more at peace on foreign ground somehow. i love how different another country feels before i even get the chance to speak to anyone or go anywhere. each country seems to have a different spirit, so to speak.
granted, i love living in the states; i feel safe here, i’ve mastered the language to the point of being comfortable with the idea of becoming a writer. but something is off. i truly can’t explain it. you’d have to be a foreigner to know, i guess. even though i’ve lived in the states for more than half of my life, and i feel entirely at ease here, i am somehow not fulfilled. something about this country makes me irritated.
i want to live in europe someday. i plan on studying Italian so i can do a semester abroad in rome or milan. i hope i fall in love with italy and stay there forever, but i’m afraid that my fear of the unknown will get the best of me and i will settle for living here, as if america is a “safe choice” of sorts.
i wonder what would be different about me if i had never moved to the u.s. i wonder if i would be on my way to becoming a chemist (like one of my grandfathers) or an architect (my other grandfather is one of the best architecture professors in moscow. he also has his own talk show. needless to say, my family is a wee bit disappointed in my choices.), or perhaps i would take over my dad's software-translating company rather than being an aspiring romantic novel-writing sex therapist. maybe i'd have a boyfriend. maybe i'd have a pixie cut. who knows.
thinking about that scared me, though; if i had lived somewhere else i would be a totally different person. i'd definitely be less liberal. maybe i'd mock gays. i honestly don't know. i wonder if there is a set right place for everyone where they can flourish and be who they were "meant to be" but majority of us simply haven't found that place and never will. hmm.
i think i'm going to go paint my nails "cherry nice." fuck you sally hansen, get better names for your products.
what i’ve noticed is that i can pick out russian people in a crowd because of their eyes. their eyes seem deeper and somehow colder. i have these eyes. my face doesn’t hold the friendliness of freckles, a warm gaze, or soft olive skin. i’m not “america’s type.”
as soon as i land on european soil i feel fresh and uninhibited. the language barrier may frighten me to an extent, but i feel more at peace on foreign ground somehow. i love how different another country feels before i even get the chance to speak to anyone or go anywhere. each country seems to have a different spirit, so to speak.
granted, i love living in the states; i feel safe here, i’ve mastered the language to the point of being comfortable with the idea of becoming a writer. but something is off. i truly can’t explain it. you’d have to be a foreigner to know, i guess. even though i’ve lived in the states for more than half of my life, and i feel entirely at ease here, i am somehow not fulfilled. something about this country makes me irritated.
i want to live in europe someday. i plan on studying Italian so i can do a semester abroad in rome or milan. i hope i fall in love with italy and stay there forever, but i’m afraid that my fear of the unknown will get the best of me and i will settle for living here, as if america is a “safe choice” of sorts.
i wonder what would be different about me if i had never moved to the u.s. i wonder if i would be on my way to becoming a chemist (like one of my grandfathers) or an architect (my other grandfather is one of the best architecture professors in moscow. he also has his own talk show. needless to say, my family is a wee bit disappointed in my choices.), or perhaps i would take over my dad's software-translating company rather than being an aspiring romantic novel-writing sex therapist. maybe i'd have a boyfriend. maybe i'd have a pixie cut. who knows.
thinking about that scared me, though; if i had lived somewhere else i would be a totally different person. i'd definitely be less liberal. maybe i'd mock gays. i honestly don't know. i wonder if there is a set right place for everyone where they can flourish and be who they were "meant to be" but majority of us simply haven't found that place and never will. hmm.
i think i'm going to go paint my nails "cherry nice." fuck you sally hansen, get better names for your products.
aww babe, its not that your'e not beautiful to america - you're not beautiful to high school boys! they're blind to anything but what they know - college will be great. college is filled with tons of kids who don't fit in and aren't native to their location. i know i don't feel like i fit in, and i've lived here forever. it's hard, being creative the way you are. i hope you one day find your inner peace. <3
ReplyDeletethanks han. i'm glad you read this shit i write on here haha.
ReplyDelete:)