baking, books, and resistentialsm.

last night i finished the great pretender, and realized that despite the great writing style, the book was entirely pointless. granted, i loved it, but it definitely had nothing of true substance. the honesty was what got me. that's something i really love in literature. not just honesty, but honesty that is almost painful. i hope i write a really honest book some day.

so, now that exams are over, i've done two things i can't do when i'm stressed: buying books and baking. i made a blackberry lemon upside-down cake today, and am ordering the following books right now:

tropic of cancer & sexus by henry miller
a coney island of the mind by lawrence ferlinghetti
lady chatterley's lover by d.h. lawrence
naked lunch by william s. burroughs

i'm pretty excited to finally be able to have time to read and bake, now that i'm officially a second-semester senior.


today's weird/funny words:

1. halch- to hug or embrace ("i'm gonna halch you!" sounds like a threat)
2. drazel- slut (who knew?)
3. snollygoster- a dishonest politician (aren't they all?)
4. kilkenny cats- people who fight relentlessly to the bitter end
5. resistentialism- the theory that inanimate objects demonstrate hostile behavior towards people (what the hell? who came up with this? though i must admit, at times i've thought my alarm clock was out to get me.)
6. torschlusspanik- sense of panic brought on by the feeling that life is passing one by (the german equivalent of a mid-life crisis)

today i watched p.s. i love you and it somehow made me relax about finding the right person. i hate when i complain about things like not being able to find someone. i know i'm only seventeen and i have my whole life ahead of me...but it's hard to help wanting something that seems so wonderful. i also hate that i hate myself for thinking i'm too young to be thinking those things, because i don't think you can be too young to fall in love.
the weird thing right now is that i don't really have feelings for people anymore. i used to love my friends and i'd love random boys and i felt great about both, and then when those friendships or boys were gone, i'd be sad but i would get over it. i felt more alive then than i do now. i want to feel somethign but i feel like the more aware i become of my surroundings and the people i know, the less alive i feel. that's strange, isn't it?

why am i so...blank?