"i love the way you dance, oh we can work it all out," and rambling.

...a lyric from chris garneau's "relief," one of my all-time favorite songs. this really touches me because it makes me feel like the little things can really make us love someone. i think it's the little things that make things work, and the big things that screw things up. that makes me simultaneously hopeful and depressed.

...this is a self portrait from a summer photography program i was in this past summer. i'm dressed in a shirt & tie because i thought it was a "cool" thing to do (aka i was too depressed to come up with anything more creative and i wanted and excuse to borrow my cute RA's clothes.) my hair looks nice in this photo and i just wanted to put it up because i don't feel very pretty right now and this makes me feel better.

i'm reading the secret right now, and it's inspiring and i think it can point me in the right direction.

i find myself more at ease when i'm immersed in literature. i've always thought i was a very social person and that i needed to be surrounded by people, but i've been getting slightly more reclusive as of late, and i fine alone-ness comforting. books are a surprisingly good substitute for friends. i'm not going to replace all my friends with clusters of paper, of course, but i'm pretty happy about the fact that i've become okay with being alone. woohoo maturity.

side note: everyone should listen to lionel neykov. he's so talented it kills me. and totally underrated. here's a link to one of his songs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-iHtNtZjP8

okay so on a slightly more serious note. i used to think i didn't love my parents and couldn't wait to get away from home. but my dad told me i was pretty totally out of the blue today, and that made me realize how i can love him but i can't love my mother. it's weird, but i really am totally unable to love her. sure, we have fun sometimes, but something is keeping me from loving her. i'm not sure i want to love her. she's a psychologist, so i'm well aware that she has plenty of knowledge about how relationships work, but when she's being a parent, she acts like a child. she is impulsive and immature and strangely vengeful. i've never heard a compliment from her without some sort of follow-up criticism. she's a bitch. it sucks. but perhaps someday i'll learn live with it.

when i got into johns hopkins in december, i thought, everything is going to be better; my mother will leave me be, all the things dangling dangerously in the air will fall into place, and i will finally be happy, but none of that really happened. i was ecstatic for one day, i cried tears of joy, jumped up and down, danced around a little... yippee. but that passed very quickly, and now my life has come down to waiting. i'm waiting for the year to end because i think when i start freshman year at hopkins i will be happy as a creative writing & psychology double major, perhaps i'll even take italian, and i will find someone really great who will love me plenty and give me butterflies. but i wonder if that's just and excuse to give up on life for now and be completely passive until september. i think i was a bear in a past life. hibernation seems pretty sah-weet.

a parting photo:

(this is the boy i lost my virginity to. he slightly resembles adrian grenier. which is strange.)